The word, since ancient times, has been and continues to be a vehicle to illustrate all types of pleasures, including sex. It is said that in Ancient Egypt sexual positions were recorded and that it was in Ancient Greece when the first literary texts were created within this topic. It is not surprising, at all, that spoken language has a leading place within sexual practice, but what should that intimate talk be like? Does it necessarily have to be what is known as “dirty talk”?
And this is a common practice, although few talk about it. Even pop culture has worshiped it, and a good example is how in 1986 the heavy metal band, Poison, scandalized and fascinated two generations – parents and children – with ‘Talk Dirty to Me’.
Intimate talk is served according to how the couple wants to enjoy it, because sex is about two, about giving and receiving, so if this turns out to be a good stimulus, it is welcome, and in fact, fantasizing about it is quite common.
The specialist Justin J. Lehmiller Ph.D, cites in an article in Psychology Today a research that he himself conducted where he found that 93% of the women surveyed had fantasized about dirty conversations. 90% of men and 86% of non-binary participants agreed with them .
Furthermore, although non-verbal communication – touch, looks – is more closely related to sexual satisfaction, verbal communication is associated with greater sexual satisfaction . This is what research from Ohio University says. However, communication in this case is a skill and not everyone is trained in it, as revealed by Dr. Elizabeth Babin, an expert in health communication and leader of the research.
It is said that listening to or saying erotic words, even “dirty”, could stimulate some brain chemical reactions that increase desire through the release of dopamine, as well as activating energy centers that activate sexual drive and desire. This is explained by Dr. Keydi Pérez, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist , who considers that everything that happens in privacy, as long as it is consensual and does not violate people’s freedom, is permitted, even obscene words.
“There are many people who do like to speak loudly, abruptly, with rudeness or, as they call it, ‘dirty.’ But although ‘dirty talk’ is the most used term in this case, it has a negative connotation.” Perhaps it is this connotation that leads this practice to fall within the forbidden, the dark, the deepest desires and sexual fantasies, which can say a lot about our needs.
“With each sexual encounter, not only do we have a physiological response, but through the impulse of connection and intimacy, energy moves in our energetic vortexes, the word and the ear stimulate one of those vortices and desire is activated. But this can also happen with sweet, loving and tender words, as well as obscene words. Is allowed. There are those who get excited this way, but there are those who don’t. That is why the awareness we have around our sexuality is very important, knowing ourselves and knowing what we like and what we don’t, ” says the psychologist who is a facilitator in holistic sexuality of the Santini Model, which proposes to facilitate the process of self-knowledge of the sexuality.
“With the approach of holistic sexuality, words and everything we hear activate the vortex of expression and communication, with which loving, tender, or more daring words can increase desire, but for that the person “You must be aware of your body and how the stimuli activate that desire .”
What if I don’t know how to do it?
When one of the members of the couple likes this practice and the other does not, or someone feels stimulated by the words and wants their partner to dare to say them, it is important to communicate it, but not from a demand but from the intention of sharing the fantasy and how that makes you feel, suggests Pérez, adding that we must prioritize the fact that both feel comfortable, because if not, it is difficult for desire to flow and the enjoyment will decrease. Let’s remember that a satisfactory sexual relationship is not just about pleasing the other, but about giving and receiving pleasure.
“There are different ways of living and expressing sexuality, there is a more instinctive one that tends to reproduce, which is indiscriminate, there is another that seeks the bond, the relationship, to penetrate into love ; There is another that is more mental, more planned and controlled and another that is from the heart, which is about acceptance, a connection of unconditional love and acceptance of another as they are. Depending on the expression of that sexuality, it will be more or less easy to implement new practices and fantasies in the relationship.”
To achieve this, Pérez says that there must be enough trust and transparency to be able to sit down and talk about what you like, what you don’t, express yourself genuinely, without judgment, and this opens the possibility not only of talking dirty in bed but of Incorporate other activities that increase pleasure during sexual relations .
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